I have no words, D- Anne. I can only say that my heart genuinely goes out to you. My wife & I have been together forty years now. Most good. We had one son. One beautiful child. On the morning of 23 May I found him dead on our couch. He'd come from North Carolina to spend a week with us after learning I had cancer. Lisa didn't tell me she had contacted him about it. Seeing him after he arrived was such a pleasure. He assumed that after more than a year of sobriety buying & using heroin for a few days in the neighborhood where he had become addicted & then kicked would be no big deal.
Now it's just the two of us. I have cancer, Lisa labile hypertension. She recently spent a couple days in the hospital after an episode of malignant hypertension. I stood outside, unable to visit, utterly terrified. She's better now. But we're left in kind of a grim race to see who will die first.
She's saved my life in so many ways that it really doesn't matter if she goes first. I won't be far behind.
God bless you for keeping on, living your life. I wish I could offer some concrete comfort or a bit of wisdom, but, really, I have none. Just a feeling of gratitude to learn that there are others out there struggling day by day, moment by moment through the pain & the loss & the utter terror of solitude.